


Sirius, 1994

by JessaLRynn



Series: Glimpses [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Canonical Character Death, Death, Gen, Introspection, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-23 21:35:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7480959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessaLRynn/pseuds/JessaLRynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thoughts and memories inside a moment in a time warp.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sirius, 1994

Sirius Black has been intimate with fear all his life. It is his most faithful companion, a constant, nagging ache that has always been with him, hovering, he realizes with irony, rather like the Dementors, over his life, his heart, his soul. He wondered one particularly lucid evening, some time very long ago, if it wasn't this that kept him sane - not that he is innocent, but that he is used to it.

He was afraid of his mother, a reaction that disturbed him to the core on several very fundamental levels. He was afraid of other wizards, afraid of Slytherin, afraid of Gryffindor, afraid of Dumbledore, afraid of the boys who eventually became his friends. But they did become his friends, and then he became afraid _for_ them, and that was his undoing.

Not that he hadn't always seen it coming.

He sees it coming, now, too. He was dragged into this office, and told to wait, unbound and allowed to pace the strong hold of a tiny duelist whose wand frightened full Death Eaters. It is as though they are taunting him. And Dumbledore has been and gone, and taken the truth with him, but Sirius looked into those luminescent blue eyes and has seen no reason to hope that this is not where he will end. He keeps hoping that his eyes will find something he can use, not to escape, but to open a vein at least. He is not afraid of death - never has been, though he has never understood that peculiar fact about himself. Maybe Dumbledore can force them to show him that much mercy.

If not, maybe he can make Snape do him that one favor. A terrifying dash at the Minister, maybe a quick fight with the executioner while they're all dazed with the Dementors there, and he can take a shot at Snape. A single blow should be enough to set the mad man off, a single old taunt, perhaps, a reminder or two of everything that happened the last time they were here. He saw in Snape's black eyes before that the man has killed - killed and meant it - and the excuse that Snape must save the Minister and Dumbledore might not merely spare the Potions Master but also make him a hero. It's not like he'd have to use the killing curse, Sirius knows. There are more Dark curses in Snape's arsenal than there are Dark Arts Books in Hogwarts. It amuses him, in a bitter sort of way, to think that he could turn that much around, make Snape owe him something at the last. A last practical joke, in memory of the halls of Hogwarts that surround them. And, if it doesn't save Snape, well, so much the better, because Snape is one wizard who ought to disturb Voldemort himself. He will kill again, Sirius knows, and he doesn't like it.

Sirius sits calmly in the chair behind Flitwick's desk, thinking of the sheer volume of charms this small room contains. He remembers how many times they used to end up here, and how much fun he used to have ending up here. He doesn't like to think that he is about to end here, and he imagines it would have disturbed all of them.

Not many people know it, but Lily was his first friend at Hogwarts. She was the first person he ever met who didn't frighten him - probably because she was so confused and frightened herself. The Head Girl had helped them get onto the platform at the same time, as he had been deserted like a bad play in the doorway of the station (with, he remembered, the admonishment not to expect a rescue if the evil Muggles snatched him). She had been standing there, baffled, obviously Muggle-born, and had spotted him as a wizard in a heart beat. It was probably the hair.

He reacquainted himself with James later that same day, and met Remus some time before they reached the school. He remembered, even now, that Lily and James had despised each other on sight. It wasn't hatred. They reserved that for Snape, mainly because they caught him torturing Peter for information about them before the week was out. Now, Sirius wonders if that wasn't where it all started.

He remembers the first serious conversation they ever had. A month into school, an announcement was made that a certain Dark Wizard was threatening people and that anyone with information should contact a teacher immediately. They talked about what they knew. Or, rather, he remembered, James had talked. Sirius had muttered a few things about knowing where all the Dark Wizards could be found, and should he tell someone, and Remus had claimed utter ignorance of what Dark Magic even was. Sirius remembers that this conversation in itself was one of the reasons he had heard when trying to decide what side Moony was actually on. Peter had babbled incoherently. He remembers that, too. Peter was very good at that.

Lily, he remembers, had not been there for that conversation.

James had eventually proclaimed that he didn't care what happened, he wasn't going to become a Dark Wizard or listen to anything a Dark Wizard had to say. Remus had agreed with him with such sincerity shining in his blue eyes that Sirius has wondered for some time how he could have ever doubted the man. Peter had agreed as well. Some time in the night, Sirius had confessed the truth to them - that the Dark Wizards hated him personally because they lived in the same house as he had. And Remus had informed him that he lived at Hogwarts now, and James had said that it didn't matter who they were, only who he was. And Peter had said he was tougher than them, anyway. That is the Peter he remembered - the one who always had an encouraging word for everyone.

He swore to himself then, and later to them, that he would die before he'd let the Dark Wizards hurt them, any of them. Even before he knew, really, what a Dark Wizard was capable of, he knew he would stand between them and his friends, even if it cost him his life.

It wasn't much later in the year that the vow included Lily as well. Their friendship had taken a certain turn for wary acceptance when the boys had played an outrageous prank on Moaning Myrtle, causing her to flood the second floor. McGonagall had been called in to give them a stern talking to, and Lily had heard, and she disapproved, but still liked them, at least a little, even if she wasn't sure she liked James.

Later that same year, they'd named themselves - or been given a name, anyway, when McGonagall chased them down the hall, calling them a band of wild marauders who were surely out to wreck the castle and bring it down on all their heads. Sirius remembers with a smile the look on her face when they were called into Dumbledore's office and referred to themselves as Marauders during the conversation. Idly, since he has nothing better to do, he wonders how Minerva is doing, and imagines she is probably fine, as long as Professor Dumbledore is there.

They were such innocents then, but Sirius knows that the vow he made that night has stayed with him.

So many years and so many changes went by, but he always knew, always, that he would eventually die for one or all of them. Then Harry came, and the vow became something more, something almost tangible, for the Marauders had a son, and they had to do everything they could to see their baby protected. Lily had laughingly quoted Muggle sayings at James while he looked on in awe and wonder while the Marauders met their Harry. The other Marauders, anyway. James had been there, the whole time and, due to circumstances beyond anyone's control (except Voldemort's, since he'd caused them) Sirius's were the first hands that had ever touched their child. They had, every one of them, constantly asked James "how is our baby?" whenever the child wasn't with him and they were.

Sirius sighs to himself and rises to pace some more, eyes ever watchful. The night they told him about the Fidelius Charm, he knew it had finally come, the time when he would do what he was born to do. It explained everything, he rather thought, about his animagus form, about his lack of fear, even about his name, after a star that symbolized death in ancient cultures. He is to become the first of them to die, to see to it that the others live.

He has always thought that this is the darkest irony of the whole thing. Peter, stupid, wretched, cowardly Peter, was actually completely safe with the plan they set up. For the love of James, and Lily, and Harry, for the love of Peter himself, he agreed to do what he has expected to do since he was eleven years old.

He knew then that the plan was fool proof. He knows now that only the fool could have brought it down. It was simple, and brilliant. It was tantamount to suicide.

He would pretend to be the Secret Keeper, and go into hiding himself. If he survived, then all would be well. If he didn't, if he was caught, he planned that his last word, as they tortured him into madness would be "no." And they would kill him, having no further use for him with his mind so destroyed. They would believe the secret sealed then, made forever impenetrable by the Secret Keeper's death.

For Peter's sake, to save his life, Sirius was prepared to give up his own.

It was what he always planned to do, what he always expected of himself. He finds himself shocked to realize that, even now, with Dementors on the way to their grisly feast, that he is still certain that somehow, he will not die for their convenience, or Fudge's. He will not be lost, even though it is over. He has only one thing left to him in this life, and it is his, and no one can take that from him. He has prepared for this from the moment he realized the truth, and he won't end tonight.

Even as he thinks this, there is a tap at the glass. He knows what he will see - a way out - even before he turns his head. The miracle of Dumbledore, again.

They all have their roles to play in this war that is coming. Wormtail will keep his role as traitor, Lily and James as virtue and cause. Remus will be kindly friend and wise mentor. Harry will be what he was born to be - the one to save the world. And he, Sirius Black, will be the sacrifice.


End file.
